What to Say - RIP

 

Stages of Grief and What to Say

We all have family and/or friends who have experienced the loss of a loved one. More often than not we are speechless. We offer condolences. We say that they will be in our thoughts and prayers. Sometimes we even attempt to console them with evidence that we have comparable pain and suffering. Sadly, it is generally irrelevant and not at all helpful. This is a difficult time to express in words your love and support in this time of sadness and loss. 

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, [1926–2004] a Swiss-born psychiatrist, humanitarian, and co-founder of the hospice movement around the world described the five stages of grief in her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying. Is there is anything one can say that matches well with the stages model she outlined when it comes to post mortem for survivors? Denial and Isolation – Is it appropriate to allow someone time to process their feelings? Is this a time to extend ourselves in the spirit of friendship and support? Anger – At this stage: Should we try to mitigate the feelings? Is it better to allow an individual to blow off steam? Bargaining – Is this an appropriate time to suggest prayer and/or spiritual intervention? Are their goals/challenges that can give a person motivation for living in spite of their loss? Depression – How can we encourage a kind of Mindfulness in the face of such devastation? Acceptance – We cannot possibly know how someone feels about accepting the inevitable.

A few thoughts and phrases you might want to avoid because they risk either minimizing unique feelings of grief or actually making matters worse: I know how you feel (We all experience and process grief differently.) What a terrible loss. (Avoid dwelling on the pain or difficulty of the loss.) This happened for a reason. (Even with the best intentions behind it, this notion risks assigning blame for the death.)  It is probably best to steer clear of predictions about how their grief journey will go. Be present and supportive instead.

More recently, a friend suggested that the best thing to say to loved ones upon hearing of a loss (at least initially) is "There are no words." Because, so often that is the case. The follow up is rooted in the reality of a longer term. "May the memories (of the departed) be a blessing."

Death, Be Not Proud by John Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die