Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Rationale

Music by the Bee Gees softy plays into the mall and can be heard in the men’s clothing area of J C Penney: Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin' nowhere. Tragedy. When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you you’re goin' nowhere…

The salesman, Dave, stands behind Jimmy as they stand in front of the store full length mirrors at J C Penney. His hand on Jimmy’s shoulder telling him what a fine purchase the Quad is. The suit comes with two pairs of slacks and a reversible vest. The textured woven polyester fiber blend is ideal for a wrinkle free look. Dave knows this sale will put him on pace to make his quota for the month, with which he earns a modest, but important, bonus. The price is right but Jimmy is reluctant to add another 130 bucks to his revolving credit. He reasons however: you have spend money to make money and the interview season is upon us. Dave looks a bit like the son-in-law of Archie Bunker on the TV show All in the Family but Jimmy doesn’t quite want to bring that up. He might buy this suit from the guy but he does not want to befriend this meathead.
 
Dave assures Jimmy the fit will be perfect once the free tailoring is complete. He grabs the jacket between his shoulder blades and bunches the material to enhance the look from the front. “Fits you like a glove, my friend.” Jimmy needs a decent shirt and shoes too but he’ll deal with that elsewhere. “Take this ticket to the tailoring area and we’ll have you fixed in no time,” says Dave. The tailor is a caricature of an old school haberdasher. A yellow measuring tape is handing from his neck. There is a nearby pin cushion and he’s poised for fitting with marking chalk in his right hand. He is an officious little man with a bald spot which is revealed every time his back faces the mirror. He chalks the length of pant legs, sleeves and jacket back. He moves to complete the paperwork. He updates the ticket in ball point pen. “The suit will be ready for pick up on the 25th, he says adding “We’ve sold quite a few of the Quads. I think you will be happy with the flexibility it gives you.” Jimmy stepped out into the bright sunlight in the Dadeland parking lot and paused for a moment to recall where he’d left his Ford Fiesta in the parking lot which was not full an hour and a half ago. The sun shines with its usual intensity for an August day “WELCOME TO MIAMI, THE SQUINTING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD” he says to himself. (That billboard for Sunglass Hut always makes Jimmy smile because it rings so true for a kid from Cleveland.)  
On the 25th Jimmy and the Fiesta managed to find the exact same parking spot at Dadeland when he arrives in time to pick up his Quad. He is wearing new shoes and a button-down pin-point oxford shirt (shirt-tails out and Bermuda shorts). The spot isn’t far from the place where the Columbian drug war shootout took place and yet a location never visited by cops Crockett and Tubbs (Miami Vice) or Tony Montana (Scareface). The asphalt and concrete of the mall lot is far too ordinary for most producers. After all, this is a town where site options include the visually intriguing deco architecture, sandy beaches, palm trees, downtown skylines and shiny neon retail signage. Jimmy has lived in South Florida long enough to appreciate the sublime and the ridiculous so artfully presented by writers like Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry. Now he was wondering about the wisdom of the Quad suit.  
Jimmy didn’t expect to see his salesman again but he recognized him, even though he was not dressed for work and not at all in a pleasant mood. By the look on his face he was going to start a fight with someone. Though they exchanged glances, Dave didn’t recognize his customer and seemed preoccupied with a letter he was holding. “This is bullshit,” Dave was saying again and again to no-one in particular. Once Jimmy got his merchandise, he was quick to move to the exit and not at all curious about Dave’s grievance.

Monday morning came and Jimmy was dressed in the Quad and enjoying a bagel with cream cheese and a cup of coffee at The Brickell Emporium. (Jimmy chose the solid color slacks and blander vest option). His interview at the advertising firm Hume Smith Mickelberry just a couple of blocks away wasn’t scheduled for another 30 minutes (at 9:30 a.m.). Over the sound system, The Bee Gees could be heard behind the mild clanking of silverware as a waiter cleared tables. When the feelings gone and you can't go on - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you you’re goin nowhere – Tragedy. When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin nowhere…
Jimmy was feeling a little sick, nauseous, now.  He managed to make his appointment on time. The receptionist was polite enough but Jimmy was not thrilled to find himself in the lobby waiting along with Salesman Dave. Thankfully Dave wasn’t wearing a Quad suit but he was smartly dressed and sporting a matching tie and pocket square.  Two guys in the lobby at Hume Smith Mickelberry waiting for an interview. No telling for sure but maybe for the same job. The Bee Gees were playing in his head: When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin' nowhere…

Notes: All in the Family ran on TV until 1979. Bee Gees "Tragedy" was a hit after Saturday Night Fever album pushed them into the stratosphere. Sunglass Hut started in 1971 but "Squinting Capital of the World" billboard probably didn't appear until 1990s. Scareface movie released in 1983 and Miami Vice debuted on TV in 1984. Hume Smith Mickelberry didn't survive much past 1985 (guessing).

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Elephant Jokes


Elephant Jokes


Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.


Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.


Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.


Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.


Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.


Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants?
A: "Look, there's a herd of elephants."


Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.


Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Well, you take an elephants, some chocolate ice-cream and some bananas,.....


Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.


Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.


Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.


Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.


Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.


Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!


Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.


Q: How many elephants can you fit into a VW?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.


Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.


Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.


Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!


Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.


Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.


Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.


 Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.


Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.


Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. ?


Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: to stamp out forest fires.


Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: to stamp out flaming ducks.


Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.


Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.