Failure Coach V

The Big Easy - January

Coach Siena and Alan Edgewater are each smoking a cigar at the Port of New Orleans. A riverboat floats by in the distance. “I’m going to head over to the French Quarter,” says the Coach “You are welcome to join me if you want... Probably not that busy mid afternoon but I still want to check it out. This is my first trip to New Orleans.” 

No thanks Coach, I have to do a phone interview with a local radio station Jan hooked me up with. And after that, I’m going to head back to the room and look over my slides for tomorrow. Remember this is going to be a smaller crowd than you saw in Orlando. It will be a classroom style seating. Insurance sales, HVAC folks, teachers, nurses, cats and dogs. Be real. I think you will connect with this group.”

“I’ll tell you what. I’m glad you convinced me to come on down to the Big Easy. The Marriott has sure been taking care of me since I checked in. Ya know, since I won all that money I just have to get out of town more. Everyone wants a piece of me. I got friends I never knew I had coming out of the woodwork. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m blessed, I really am.” He looks at the end of his cigar and rolls it a bit between his thumb, index and middle fingers.

The room is already set. Alan was able to supervise because nothing was scheduled in that room after yesterday. He is hoping this group dynamic will generate a good vibe. His publisher was much more active in filling the room at Orlando. They saw it as a reasonable way to generate book sales, but here in New Orleans, less than a year later, it’s all on Abbeshire and Bluestone as directed by the Failure Coach himself. He’s confident that his lottery winning featured side-show will deliver. Since he cashed his winning check in a lump sum he never misses an opportunity to show the world his unique ability to use poor judgment. Nevertheless he has a heart of gold, thinks Alan. He is a real every man. I’ll tell you what - the folks at this here Marriott have sure taken care of me. Duh. We are guaranteeing 150 rooms and will drop fifty large on this place at least. I hope coach Siena can stay out of trouble between now and showtime. Maybe I should have stayed with him as he wanders the French Quarter. I hope he stays out of the casino. What-ever!

“I’ll tell you what. New Orleans is a friendly kind of place. Everywhere I goes… Can you pour me one of them Hurricane drinks. I’m a tourist to be certain, but I can see why people like to come here. You got history, charm and people are just to dag gum friendly.” The coach has an audience with the bartender and a handful of patrons (probably regulars) in a tavern he found just off of Bourbon Street.

Meanwhile Alan is kicking back in his Junior Suite. The TV is on ESPN but the sound is turned down and he is checking e-mails, Twitter and his website blogs to see if any new comments have appeared. He told Coach Siena he was going to look over his slides but approach-avoidance cognitive dissonance sets in and he figures he will be able to pick up where he left off in Orlando.

“Knock Knock” Alan hears a couple of gentle raps but isn’t aware someone is at his door.

“Knock Knock”

“Who is it?”

“Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Housekeeping”

He opens the door to Daniel Bluestone in the hallway laughing at his little joke.

“Wow. I didn’t expect to see you here?”

“Yeah, well I am and you are gonna pay my travel and hotel and then some when you see what I’ve got for you. Don’t worry I flew Southwest and I got your special group room rate. Here’s the deal. I got the national sales manager from Sazerac distribution to come to your seminar and he’s anxious to meet you because he’s got a sales meeting coming up and he thinks you might be just the jump start/kick in the ass his group needs. Have you heard of these guys? Sazerac is a brand of rye whiskey owned by the Sazerac Company and produced by the Buffalo Trace Distillery. It’s a cool brand and this national sales guy called me because he dug the video of your Orlando keynote I posted. You know that edited piece with selects from the convention center… ”

“Outstanding! Any chance we can sample the product? We already have the room set with four cash bars.”

Failure Coach IV

St. Louis - Inside Marketing at Failure Coach LLC 

Alan arrived early to seize the large table in the Starbuck’s location in the Dierberg’s strip mall in Chesterfield (West County St. Louis). Jan agreed to meet before heading downtown since this is routine latte stop for her in the morning. Dan lives in Fenton but doesn’t mind the scheduled power breakfast especially if he can come away with approval to proceed on enhancements to the inbound marketing blog and CRM ideas he hopes Alan will agree to.      

Jan Abbeshire and Dan Bluestone are the marketing advisors for Alan Edgewater Failure Coach programs. Alan hired Jan’s firm when he was in a corporate role as director of global communications about five years ago. He met Bluestone more like 15 years ago when Adamson was one of the largest independent advertising agencies in St. Louis. Bluestone was a creative director there before they merged with an agency in KC. Eventually almost everyone of the 40+ employees became a victim of downsizing in St. Louis. Bluestone thought he was going to get the nod for a spot in KC but didn’t make the cut. All but a handful of people were eliminated.  

The Failure Coach knew integrating the activities of Jan and Dan would be a challenge. They are both talented people but their personalities are polar opposites. Jan is very tactical. Dan thinks of himself as strategic. Outside of an agency context Dan relies on a network of freelancers.

Jan arrives just a few minutes after 7 o’clock in a handsome business suit and already on her cell phone with her office manager. She marches directly to the barista and excuses herself on the phone quickly to get her drink order moving. Only then does she notice that Alan has already staked out the big table. Jan is completely at home with her drink as she takes a seat. She gives a quick glance to her smart phone before turning it off to offer undivided attention.

“The releases look good Jan. We are going to go ahead with the seminar, albeit in a smaller room in New Orleans. The Blaine Kern Ballroom at the Marriott will comfortably accommodate 900 but will still be okay if the number is more like 350. We'll be lucky if we can get that. I’ll have time of course to talk to editors if you can generate any interest. The book isn’t going to release until the Fall, Maybe September so maybe the hook needs to be about the first book and the scholarship thing…”

Jan is a professional and is expert at non-verbal communication. Alan has known her long enough to surmise she will confine activities to those that can be managed by her office manager, project account coordinator and intern from Mizzou. “We have a good list of magazines and editorial contacts. We can see what kind of pick up we can get on your seminar in New Orleans but we need a hook if we’re going to get feature treatment for you. I know you are willing to meet in person or via scheduled phone patch but we really need to agree on key messaging.”

Just then Dan swings his shoulder bag around and hangs his leather jacket on a chair at the table. He makes no apology even as Alan notes on his laptop that it’s already 7:20. Jan smiles. She agrees to send a copy of a revised status report to both Alan and Dan later on today. Jan is polite but clearly wrapping up as she checks her smart phone again.

“Do you need a coffee or anything Dan?”

“Nah, I’m good. Hey great news about the New Orleans event. If we play our cards right we should be able to fill that room. But you’re smart to keep it more intimate this time. Are we keeping the price point where it is?”

“Yeah, I’m really trying to keep the seminars affordable.  I mean with the early bird discounts the average attendee only pays $199 and can use PayPal. Surprisingly, the math on these events works out to break even at best. Food, catering, audio-visual support are the killers. Ya know in Orlando the bills we ended up ringing on travel, hotel, Coach Siena, his posse and our people… We gotta watch expenses. We are getting better...but. The Orlando event was a blast but we really end up losing money if we aren’t careful.”

“Come on man. Don’t talk to me about fiscal responsibility. I’m not the guy who picked up the bill on the open bar and appetizers. I told you that was a mistake. I know I talked you into a lot of collateral things and merch but those are still a part of reinforcing your brand. I hope you don’t have buyer’s remorse on that stuff.” 

Failure Coach III

Alan at Home

“You just don’t get it. The idea behind Failure Coaching is to own your setbacks, to learn from disappointment and grow as a person. It is NOT about helping or causing people to become unsuccessful! We want our people to achieve all they want to achieve in life. We just want people to face the fact that the probability of falling short of almost any goal they set for themselves…Well, that achievement to which you aspire is probably not gonna happen…So get yourself ready to deal with it… Wake up! Ask yourself: What Next?  I’m sick of hearing about the millions of dollars being spent on successful habits, or what a handful of companies have done to become GREAT or parables about moving cheese or avoiding dysfunction, or dressing for success, or power networking or building your own fucking brand or leveraging big data or what color your parachute is or how to write the perfect friggin’ resume or how overcome objections in sales or job interviews. At some point people just have to stop and smell the coffee. They didn’t do it. Whatever it is. They just did not make it. So What! The answer is probably NOT to buy more books or go back to school or go online or go to a seminar or join professional associations or even join a country club.”

Alan is on a roll. He has index cards with notes in front of him in his home office. They do not appear to be organized in a particular way. He’s drinking his 4^th cup of coffee (tepid, black with Sweet n Low). He is talking loudly as if he needs to project to be heard on his speaker phone.

“Okay, Okay I hear you. It’s me your talking to Alan. Remember me -- Bob? I’ve supported you long before the podcasts, YouTube videos, the blogging and the sick-o millenials that seek you out on Twitter,,, #bullshit (hashtag bull shit) and want you to speak to them via Google Hang Outs or some webcast shit. I swear, you are losing your marbles man.” Bob Caster is usually unflappable. So Alan takes a few deep breaths and shifts gears.

“Alright Bob, why are you so critical of what I’m doing here? Never mind. I value you as a friend and adviser and I hope you will continue to be my attorney. I had no idea I would have to spend so much time protecting my intellectual property. Shit, this ain’t rocket surgery! Ha, I love that expression, rocket surgery. Huh.”

"Fine Alan, but to tell you the truth, the real reason I called you was to let you know that I’m taking a job with a big stupid law firm downtown. I hope you will stick with me. You should - because I’ll have admin support and a big old office we can hang out in. If I can build my practice with you and some of your motivational speaker cult friends, I can make partner. Maybe, just maybe I'll have enough money to check into Gatesworth Assisted Living when I’m 80.”

“Well that is terrific news. I had no idea you were even talking to any law firms. I thought you liked the freedom of having your own thing.’

“Well, you are my best client but revenue from you, even as it is on the uptick, isn’t enough and I’m not doing anything for business development. I will still be dealing with an ‘eat what you kill’ culture but they’ve got young hungry lawyers and a pretty good marketing program. I hope you are okay with this.”

“Fuck yeah. You and I both know my thing isn’t gonna make me or anybody Bill Gates or Warren Buffet rich. In fact, we can have our next power lunch meeting at your place. Jan will love the downtown ambiance. Bluestone is flexible. Laurie is already downtown most days. I want to keep my go-to front four busy if I can. Jan, Dan, Laurie, and Bob-O”

“Great. I will call you in a couple of days when I know more about my new digs.”   

Failure Coach II

St. Louis

In the conference room at the Kirkwood Chamber of Commerce, Failure Coach Alan Edgewater is meeting with advisers Daniel Bluestone, a displaced creative director; Jan Abbeshire, an independent public relations counselor; Bob Caster, a golfing buddy and a former corporate counsel (lawyer); and his accountant, Laurie Ripp. This group is loyal to the Failure Coach because he’s been a paying client and a friend to each of them. Nevertheless, they each have demands on their lives and careers forcing them to place higher priorities most of the time. Edgewater recognizes this economic reality and is careful to be respectful of their time. He values his brain trust even as each falls into the collection of slightly flawed individuals that he has come to know and love. (A meeting such as this follows an agenda, includes lunch and adjourns in about an hour and a half.)

Laurie is anxious. “I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a spreadsheet that shows some items that could be a concern. Right now, the investments in collateral items, CDs and merchandise is a long way from pay-back. That might be okay once we take a look at sales totals at the end of the month. The Orlando Conference was a success but revenue at $250,000 will not cover the hotel, catering, A/V and expenses…The promotional expenses around the Alan  Edgewater Failure Fund Scholarship award is a wash since Coach Sienna is covering that but almost every incremental activity puts us in the red…I’m sorry I’m gonna have to skip out early and cannot stay for lunch. I've got a client meeting downtown I cannot reschedule. I have a handout for your review and am happy to address any questions via e-mail…”

Daniel has a couple of book cover designs he wants to share. “The cover of You Can’t Give 110%” will leverage some of the familiar type treatments and colors people may be beginning to associate with the Alan Edgewater franchise. We moved away from the sports images because we didn’t want to look like a sports book. It needs to look like a business book and compete in that aisle in a bookstore. We know, of course, that sales will mostly be on line and through bulk orders in and around seminars…”

Bob Caster is laughing because he remembers when Alan  first introduced the idea of You Can’t Give   110% during a round of golf at his neighborhood municipal golf course in Creve Coeur. “Alan told me about this idea more than three years ago. Back then it came with a pitch for a golf instruction package of 8 lessons for $750 which he said was a hell of a deal since he normally charges $100 a lesson.” Bob is mixing up stories but Alan laughs anyway. 

“That’s right Bob. As you will recall the first lesson is a session in which we talk about your game. You don’t need your clubs for that meeting. You just pay your $750 in cash or check. And we talk about your game. After all, the game is 90% mental.” Alan talks about this with amusement since he and Bob both know he’s no golf pro. The exchange is kind of a private joke between Bob and Alan. Jan, Dan and Laurie are not golfers but seem mildly entertained by the story. It is, after all, a sort of telling analogy of marketing based on hopes of success. It is easy enough to get this meeting back on track though.

“The Coach Siena angle will get some pick-up but it’s tricky since the coach is a local character and newsworthy but it doesn't all add up good press for us. We gotta wrangle this guy if we are gonna use him. Of course, we need to focus on book signings and appearances to keep getting the ink we need.” Jan offers in her assertive confidence. Jan Abbeshire opened Abbeshire Public Relations 10 years ago and has enjoyed a fair amount of success with a roster of healthcare and non-profit clients. Her clients are cautious with expenses but she has found a niche as a cost effective outsourcing of everything from crisis communications to events. She was a PR manager for BJC Healthcare for 8 years but was laid off in a realignment initiative. The break allowed her to spend more time shuttling kids (three girls ages 7, 9 and 11).        

Sandwiches from the local sub shop are delivered along with soft drinks and the conversation continues in a less structured way between the four remaining. Alan loves the book cover design and agrees with Bluestone about branding elements. He is glad to have a creative thinker in the room but is also glad that he has the tactical Jan chipping away at media. Still he worries about keeping up with Jan’s monthly retainer. He is glad to have Caster in the room even if the exchanges they have are mostly social.   


The meeting winds down with only Dan and Alan still seated at the big conference room table. Dan really wants to convince Alan to schedule conferences in Dallas and New Orleans soon. Alan and Dan have questions about Laurie's spreadsheet but they agree it's a damn good thing someone is acting like a responsible financial adviser. "What does it still feel like?... Failure!" This is a running joke between these two like-minded marketers.   

Failure Coach

Orlando

The Ballroom at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando is full. Twelve hundred paying patrons applaud the keynote speaker as he waves and makes his way to the podium. Alan Edgewater, Failure Coach is in plain view on two giant rear projection screens on either side of the stage showing he is healthy, tanned and rested. “We are the music makers and we are the dreamer of dreams. World-losers and world forsakers on whom the pale moon gleams,” he begins.

“With apologies to Arthur O’Shaughnessy those are words, of which I paraphrase in It’s not easy being anybody, my best-selling book. Your attendance at this symposium is a tribute to your good sense. You have come to hear how the relentless pursuit of perfection, being driven by success, dreaming of personal satisfaction in your home lives and careers is all wrong. What my book shows you in detail, and what I will share with you in today’s keynote address, is that what is far more likely.” The audience is listening carefully. Some are taking notes in the workbooks they picked up at registration.

Edgewater is scripted. He has access to a teleprompter but the material is well rehearsed. He moves around freely on the stage with a Lavalier mic securely in place on his un-tucked golf shirt. He pauses for laughs and allows for questions from audience members queued up in the center aisle. “Mr. Edgewater, you call yourself a failure and yet you have a best-selling book, sold out lecture tour and millions of followers around the world…” begins the next question. Alan smiles and interrupts, “Precisely, my friend, but it is not a drive for success that got me to this point. It is rather the expectation of failure! I am not suggesting for one moment that you should not take risks. Success is not possible without failure. Failure should be celebrated. Allow me to show you some graphics that illustrate my point…”

The monitors project an info-graphic from the Mega Lotto. It’s a giant pyramid at the top of which is the word WINNER. “As you can see the mega lottery winner is all alone in his triumph. But, without being a colossal loser in the first place he would never have purchased that ticket from the corner c-store in his neighborhood town of Red Bud, Illinois. Furthermore, this guy is already failing with the IRS; with his friends and neighbors; and at his former job associates at the high school where he was a teacher and football coach.” Almost on cue, Coach Siena enters from stage left. When he reaches the podium the monitors show him adjusting his tie and shuffling some index cards. He’s petrified.

“Hello losers!” says the coach. “Alan asked me to participate in today’s keynote as proof positive that money does NOT buy happiness. You can read all about my ups and downs in your seminar workbooks but what isn’t there is the real reason I came here today. I wanted to use this platform to announce the Alan Edgewater Failure First Foundation Scholarship Fund. The first recipient of a four-year ride to the University of Miami goes to an undersized center on the Red Bud Musketeers High School team. The award goes to Johnny Appleseed. In my entire coaching career, Johnny best exemplifies what our coaches call giving 110% on every play. He has a lot of heart but I hope he is through playing football.” The monitors are now showing a picture of the coach and Johnny Appleseed in uniform at the sideline after the final game of the season, a crushing defeat by the screaming eagles of St. Edward

The crowd is thrilled as Edgewater regains control of the presentation. “Folks, please note that the entire conference will be available on CD for $29.50 if you sign up today. Coach Robert Siena’s story will also be included in my new book due out this Fall. Be on the lookout for You can’t give 110% in bookstores or buy it online at Amazon. Use the promo code ORLANDO and get an additional 10% off…”

The seminar continues with stunning graphic images, compelling twists and clever copy. Alan paces himself with the slides that each have a story and a point. Each is reproduced in thumbnails in the workbook with room for notes. The concluding slide builds with the final image signaling the end of the keynote and triggers a huge ovation.

You don't plan to fail, so don't fail to plan.

But enough about me. How did you like my last movie?

Icarus flies to the sun on wings of wax.

Pure chance. A roll of the dice.

I can’t wait until tomorrow, I get better looking every day.

Heisman winner denied re-trial

Chasing Windmills

The concluding slide/image signals the end of the keynote. It is expected. Most of those even remotely familiar with Alan Edgewater are familiar with his mantra. He walks his way through the slide as it builds. With his final remark, music fills the ballroom and all the doors open. Books are on sale in the pre-convene area. CDs, T-shirts, stress balls and a variety of other merchandise are also available.

It isn’t easy being Alan Edgewater.

  

It isn’t easy being Alan Edgewater. It isn’t easy being anybody.

It isn’t easy being anybody. It isn’t easy being you…

It isn’t easy being anybody. It isn’t easy being you, but no-one is better at being you.

24 hours later Alan Edgewater is in the catering manager’s office. The event was a success but there were some miscalculations with beverages, meals and audio/visual rentals that add up. Alan won’t know for another couple of weeks if he broke even on this event.

Author's note: This is the first in a series of blogs on the Failure Coach posted on Good Brands Better, New Brands Known. It is fiction and any similarity to person or persons is purely coincidental and not intended. 

The Rationale

Music by the Bee Gees softy plays into the mall and can be heard in the men’s clothing area of J C Penney: Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin' nowhere. Tragedy. When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you you’re goin' nowhere…

The salesman, Dave, stands behind Jimmy as they stand in front of the store full length mirrors at J C Penney. His hand on Jimmy’s shoulder telling him what a fine purchase the Quad is. The suit comes with two pairs of slacks and a reversible vest. The textured woven polyester fiber blend is ideal for a wrinkle free look. Dave knows this sale will put him on pace to make his quota for the month, with which he earns a modest, but important, bonus. The price is right but Jimmy is reluctant to add another 130 bucks to his revolving credit. He reasons however: you have spend money to make money and the interview season is upon us. Dave looks a bit like the son-in-law of Archie Bunker on the TV show All in the Family but Jimmy doesn’t quite want to bring that up. He might buy this suit from the guy but he does not want to befriend this meathead.
 

Dave assures Jimmy the fit will be perfect once the free tailoring is complete. He grabs the jacket between his shoulder blades and bunches the material to enhance the look from the front. “Fits you like a glove, my friend.” Jimmy needs a decent shirt and shoes too but he’ll deal with that elsewhere. “Take this ticket to the tailoring area and we’ll have you fixed in no time,” says Dave. The tailor is a caricature of an old school haberdasher. A yellow measuring tape is handing from his neck. There is a nearby pin cushion and he’s poised for fitting with marking chalk in his right hand. He is an officious little man with a bald spot which is revealed every time his back faces the mirror. He chalks the length of pant legs, sleeves and jacket back. He moves to complete the paperwork. He updates the ticket in ball point pen. “The suit will be ready for pick up on the 25^th, he says adding “We’ve sold quite a few of the Quads. I think you will be happy with the flexibility it gives you.” Jimmy stepped out into the bright sunlight in the Dadeland parking lot and paused for a moment to recall where he’d left his Ford Fiesta in the parking lot which was not full an hour and a half ago. The sun shines with its usual intensity for an August day “WELCOME TO MIAMI, THE SQUINTING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD” he says to himself. (That billboard for Sunglass Hut always makes Jimmy smile because it rings so true for a kid from Cleveland.)  

On the 25^th Jimmy and the Fiesta managed to find the exact same parking spot at Dadeland when he arrives in time to pick up his Quad. He is wearing new shoes and a button-down pin-point oxford shirt (shirt-tails out and Bermuda shorts). The spot isn’t far from the place where the Columbian drug war shootout took place and yet a location never visited by cops Crockett and Tubbs (Miami Vice) or Tony Montana (Scareface). The asphalt and concrete of the mall lot is far too ordinary for most producers. After all, this is a town where site options include the visually intriguing deco architecture, sandy beaches, palm trees, downtown skylines and shiny neon retail signage. Jimmy has lived in South Florida long enough to appreciate the sublime and the ridiculous so artfully presented by writers like Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry. Now he was wondering about the wisdom of the Quad suit.  

Jimmy didn’t expect to see his salesman again but he recognized him, even though he was not dressed for work and not at all in a pleasant mood. By the look on his face he was going to start a fight with someone. Though they exchanged glances, Dave didn’t recognize his customer and seemed preoccupied with a letter he was holding. “This is bullshit,” Dave was saying again and again to no-one in particular. Once Jimmy got his merchandise, he was quick to move to the exit and not at all curious about Dave’s grievance.

Monday morning came and Jimmy was dressed in the Quad and enjoying a bagel with cream cheese and a cup of coffee at The Brickell Emporium. (Jimmy chose the solid color slacks and blander vest option). His interview at the advertising firm Hume Smith Mickelberry just a couple of blocks away wasn’t scheduled for another 30 minutes (at 9:30 a.m.). Over the sound system, The Bee Gees could be heard behind the mild clanking of silverware as a waiter cleared tables. When the feelings gone and you can't go on - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you you’re goin nowhere – Tragedy. When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin nowhere…

Jimmy was feeling a little sick, nauseous, now.  He managed to make his appointment on time. The receptionist was polite enough but Jimmy was not thrilled to find himself in the lobby waiting along with Salesman Dave. Thankfully Dave wasn’t wearing a Quad suit but he was smartly dressed and sporting a matching tie and pocket square.  Two guys in the lobby at Hume Smith Mickelberry waiting for an interview. No telling for sure but maybe for the same job. The Bee Gees were playing in his head: When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin' nowhere…

Notes: All in the Family ran on TV until 1979. Bee Gees "Tragedy" was a hit after Saturday Night Fever album pushed them into the stratosphere. Sunglass Hut started in 1971 but "Squinting Capital of the World" billboard probably didn't appear until 1990s. Scareface movie released in 1983 and Miami Vice debuted on TV in 1984. Hume Smith Mickelberry didn't survive much past 1985 (guessing).

Elephant Jokes

Elephant Jokes

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants?
A: "Look, there's a herd of elephants."

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Well, you take an elephants, some chocolate ice-cream and some bananas,.....

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a VW?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

 Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. ?

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: to stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: to stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.