Failure Coach III

Alan at Home

“You just don’t get it. The idea behind Failure Coaching is to own your setbacks, to learn from disappointment and grow as a person. It is NOT about helping or causing people to become unsuccessful! We want our people to achieve all they want to achieve in life. We just want people to face the fact that the probability of falling short of almost any goal they set for themselves…Well, that achievement to which you aspire is probably not gonna happen…So get yourself ready to deal with it… Wake up! Ask yourself: What Next?  I’m sick of hearing about the millions of dollars being spent on successful habits, or what a handful of companies have done to become GREAT or parables about moving cheese or avoiding dysfunction, or dressing for success, or power networking or building your own fucking brand or leveraging big data or what color your parachute is or how to write the perfect friggin’ resume or how overcome objections in sales or job interviews. At some point people just have to stop and smell the coffee. They didn’t do it. Whatever it is. They just did not make it. So What! The answer is probably NOT to buy more books or go back to school or go online or go to a seminar or join professional associations or even join a country club.”

Alan is on a roll. He has index cards with notes in front of him in his home office. They do not appear to be organized in a particular way. He’s drinking his 4^th cup of coffee (tepid, black with Sweet n Low). He is talking loudly as if he needs to project to be heard on his speaker phone.

“Okay, Okay I hear you. It’s me your talking to Alan. Remember me -- Bob? I’ve supported you long before the podcasts, YouTube videos, the blogging and the sick-o millenials that seek you out on Twitter,,, #bullshit (hashtag bull shit) and want you to speak to them via Google Hang Outs or some webcast shit. I swear, you are losing your marbles man.” Bob Caster is usually unflappable. So Alan takes a few deep breaths and shifts gears.

“Alright Bob, why are you so critical of what I’m doing here? Never mind. I value you as a friend and adviser and I hope you will continue to be my attorney. I had no idea I would have to spend so much time protecting my intellectual property. Shit, this ain’t rocket surgery! Ha, I love that expression, rocket surgery. Huh.”

"Fine Alan, but to tell you the truth, the real reason I called you was to let you know that I’m taking a job with a big stupid law firm downtown. I hope you will stick with me. You should - because I’ll have admin support and a big old office we can hang out in. If I can build my practice with you and some of your motivational speaker cult friends, I can make partner. Maybe, just maybe I'll have enough money to check into Gatesworth Assisted Living when I’m 80.”

“Well that is terrific news. I had no idea you were even talking to any law firms. I thought you liked the freedom of having your own thing.’

“Well, you are my best client but revenue from you, even as it is on the uptick, isn’t enough and I’m not doing anything for business development. I will still be dealing with an ‘eat what you kill’ culture but they’ve got young hungry lawyers and a pretty good marketing program. I hope you are okay with this.”

“Fuck yeah. You and I both know my thing isn’t gonna make me or anybody Bill Gates or Warren Buffet rich. In fact, we can have our next power lunch meeting at your place. Jan will love the downtown ambiance. Bluestone is flexible. Laurie is already downtown most days. I want to keep my go-to front four busy if I can. Jan, Dan, Laurie, and Bob-O”

“Great. I will call you in a couple of days when I know more about my new digs.”   

Failure Coach II

St. Louis

In the conference room at the Kirkwood Chamber of Commerce, Failure Coach Alan Edgewater is meeting with advisers Daniel Bluestone, a displaced creative director; Jan Abbeshire, an independent public relations counselor; Bob Caster, a golfing buddy and a former corporate counsel (lawyer); and his accountant, Laurie Ripp. This group is loyal to the Failure Coach because he’s been a paying client and a friend to each of them. Nevertheless, they each have demands on their lives and careers forcing them to place higher priorities most of the time. Edgewater recognizes this economic reality and is careful to be respectful of their time. He values his brain trust even as each falls into the collection of slightly flawed individuals that he has come to know and love. (A meeting such as this follows an agenda, includes lunch and adjourns in about an hour and a half.)

Laurie is anxious. “I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a spreadsheet that shows some items that could be a concern. Right now, the investments in collateral items, CDs and merchandise is a long way from pay-back. That might be okay once we take a look at sales totals at the end of the month. The Orlando Conference was a success but revenue at $250,000 will not cover the hotel, catering, A/V and expenses…The promotional expenses around the Alan  Edgewater Failure Fund Scholarship award is a wash since Coach Sienna is covering that but almost every incremental activity puts us in the red…I’m sorry I’m gonna have to skip out early and cannot stay for lunch. I've got a client meeting downtown I cannot reschedule. I have a handout for your review and am happy to address any questions via e-mail…”

Daniel has a couple of book cover designs he wants to share. “The cover of You Can’t Give 110%” will leverage some of the familiar type treatments and colors people may be beginning to associate with the Alan Edgewater franchise. We moved away from the sports images because we didn’t want to look like a sports book. It needs to look like a business book and compete in that aisle in a bookstore. We know, of course, that sales will mostly be on line and through bulk orders in and around seminars…”

Bob Caster is laughing because he remembers when Alan  first introduced the idea of You Can’t Give   110% during a round of golf at his neighborhood municipal golf course in Creve Coeur. “Alan told me about this idea more than three years ago. Back then it came with a pitch for a golf instruction package of 8 lessons for $750 which he said was a hell of a deal since he normally charges $100 a lesson.” Bob is mixing up stories but Alan laughs anyway. 

“That’s right Bob. As you will recall the first lesson is a session in which we talk about your game. You don’t need your clubs for that meeting. You just pay your $750 in cash or check. And we talk about your game. After all, the game is 90% mental.” Alan talks about this with amusement since he and Bob both know he’s no golf pro. The exchange is kind of a private joke between Bob and Alan. Jan, Dan and Laurie are not golfers but seem mildly entertained by the story. It is, after all, a sort of telling analogy of marketing based on hopes of success. It is easy enough to get this meeting back on track though.

“The Coach Siena angle will get some pick-up but it’s tricky since the coach is a local character and newsworthy but it doesn't all add up good press for us. We gotta wrangle this guy if we are gonna use him. Of course, we need to focus on book signings and appearances to keep getting the ink we need.” Jan offers in her assertive confidence. Jan Abbeshire opened Abbeshire Public Relations 10 years ago and has enjoyed a fair amount of success with a roster of healthcare and non-profit clients. Her clients are cautious with expenses but she has found a niche as a cost effective outsourcing of everything from crisis communications to events. She was a PR manager for BJC Healthcare for 8 years but was laid off in a realignment initiative. The break allowed her to spend more time shuttling kids (three girls ages 7, 9 and 11).        

Sandwiches from the local sub shop are delivered along with soft drinks and the conversation continues in a less structured way between the four remaining. Alan loves the book cover design and agrees with Bluestone about branding elements. He is glad to have a creative thinker in the room but is also glad that he has the tactical Jan chipping away at media. Still he worries about keeping up with Jan’s monthly retainer. He is glad to have Caster in the room even if the exchanges they have are mostly social.   


The meeting winds down with only Dan and Alan still seated at the big conference room table. Dan really wants to convince Alan to schedule conferences in Dallas and New Orleans soon. Alan and Dan have questions about Laurie's spreadsheet but they agree it's a damn good thing someone is acting like a responsible financial adviser. "What does it still feel like?... Failure!" This is a running joke between these two like-minded marketers.   

Failure Coach

Orlando

The Ballroom at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando is full. Twelve hundred paying patrons applaud the keynote speaker as he waves and makes his way to the podium. Alan Edgewater, Failure Coach is in plain view on two giant rear projection screens on either side of the stage showing he is healthy, tanned and rested. “We are the music makers and we are the dreamer of dreams. World-losers and world forsakers on whom the pale moon gleams,” he begins.

“With apologies to Arthur O’Shaughnessy those are words, of which I paraphrase in It’s not easy being anybody, my best-selling book. Your attendance at this symposium is a tribute to your good sense. You have come to hear how the relentless pursuit of perfection, being driven by success, dreaming of personal satisfaction in your home lives and careers is all wrong. What my book shows you in detail, and what I will share with you in today’s keynote address, is that what is far more likely.” The audience is listening carefully. Some are taking notes in the workbooks they picked up at registration.

Edgewater is scripted. He has access to a teleprompter but the material is well rehearsed. He moves around freely on the stage with a Lavalier mic securely in place on his un-tucked golf shirt. He pauses for laughs and allows for questions from audience members queued up in the center aisle. “Mr. Edgewater, you call yourself a failure and yet you have a best-selling book, sold out lecture tour and millions of followers around the world…” begins the next question. Alan smiles and interrupts, “Precisely, my friend, but it is not a drive for success that got me to this point. It is rather the expectation of failure! I am not suggesting for one moment that you should not take risks. Success is not possible without failure. Failure should be celebrated. Allow me to show you some graphics that illustrate my point…”

The monitors project an info-graphic from the Mega Lotto. It’s a giant pyramid at the top of which is the word WINNER. “As you can see the mega lottery winner is all alone in his triumph. But, without being a colossal loser in the first place he would never have purchased that ticket from the corner c-store in his neighborhood town of Red Bud, Illinois. Furthermore, this guy is already failing with the IRS; with his friends and neighbors; and at his former job associates at the high school where he was a teacher and football coach.” Almost on cue, Coach Siena enters from stage left. When he reaches the podium the monitors show him adjusting his tie and shuffling some index cards. He’s petrified.

“Hello losers!” says the coach. “Alan asked me to participate in today’s keynote as proof positive that money does NOT buy happiness. You can read all about my ups and downs in your seminar workbooks but what isn’t there is the real reason I came here today. I wanted to use this platform to announce the Alan Edgewater Failure First Foundation Scholarship Fund. The first recipient of a four-year ride to the University of Miami goes to an undersized center on the Red Bud Musketeers High School team. The award goes to Johnny Appleseed. In my entire coaching career, Johnny best exemplifies what our coaches call giving 110% on every play. He has a lot of heart but I hope he is through playing football.” The monitors are now showing a picture of the coach and Johnny Appleseed in uniform at the sideline after the final game of the season, a crushing defeat by the screaming eagles of St. Edward

The crowd is thrilled as Edgewater regains control of the presentation. “Folks, please note that the entire conference will be available on CD for $29.50 if you sign up today. Coach Robert Siena’s story will also be included in my new book due out this Fall. Be on the lookout for You can’t give 110% in bookstores or buy it online at Amazon. Use the promo code ORLANDO and get an additional 10% off…”

The seminar continues with stunning graphic images, compelling twists and clever copy. Alan paces himself with the slides that each have a story and a point. Each is reproduced in thumbnails in the workbook with room for notes. The concluding slide builds with the final image signaling the end of the keynote and triggers a huge ovation.

You don't plan to fail, so don't fail to plan.

But enough about me. How did you like my last movie?

Icarus flies to the sun on wings of wax.

Pure chance. A roll of the dice.

I can’t wait until tomorrow, I get better looking every day.

Heisman winner denied re-trial

Chasing Windmills

The concluding slide/image signals the end of the keynote. It is expected. Most of those even remotely familiar with Alan Edgewater are familiar with his mantra. He walks his way through the slide as it builds. With his final remark, music fills the ballroom and all the doors open. Books are on sale in the pre-convene area. CDs, T-shirts, stress balls and a variety of other merchandise are also available.

It isn’t easy being Alan Edgewater.

  

It isn’t easy being Alan Edgewater. It isn’t easy being anybody.

It isn’t easy being anybody. It isn’t easy being you…

It isn’t easy being anybody. It isn’t easy being you, but no-one is better at being you.

24 hours later Alan Edgewater is in the catering manager’s office. The event was a success but there were some miscalculations with beverages, meals and audio/visual rentals that add up. Alan won’t know for another couple of weeks if he broke even on this event.

Author's note: This is the first in a series of blogs on the Failure Coach posted on Good Brands Better, New Brands Known. It is fiction and any similarity to person or persons is purely coincidental and not intended. 

The Rationale

Music by the Bee Gees softy plays into the mall and can be heard in the men’s clothing area of J C Penney: Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin' nowhere. Tragedy. When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you you’re goin' nowhere…

The salesman, Dave, stands behind Jimmy as they stand in front of the store full length mirrors at J C Penney. His hand on Jimmy’s shoulder telling him what a fine purchase the Quad is. The suit comes with two pairs of slacks and a reversible vest. The textured woven polyester fiber blend is ideal for a wrinkle free look. Dave knows this sale will put him on pace to make his quota for the month, with which he earns a modest, but important, bonus. The price is right but Jimmy is reluctant to add another 130 bucks to his revolving credit. He reasons however: you have spend money to make money and the interview season is upon us. Dave looks a bit like the son-in-law of Archie Bunker on the TV show All in the Family but Jimmy doesn’t quite want to bring that up. He might buy this suit from the guy but he does not want to befriend this meathead.
 

Dave assures Jimmy the fit will be perfect once the free tailoring is complete. He grabs the jacket between his shoulder blades and bunches the material to enhance the look from the front. “Fits you like a glove, my friend.” Jimmy needs a decent shirt and shoes too but he’ll deal with that elsewhere. “Take this ticket to the tailoring area and we’ll have you fixed in no time,” says Dave. The tailor is a caricature of an old school haberdasher. A yellow measuring tape is handing from his neck. There is a nearby pin cushion and he’s poised for fitting with marking chalk in his right hand. He is an officious little man with a bald spot which is revealed every time his back faces the mirror. He chalks the length of pant legs, sleeves and jacket back. He moves to complete the paperwork. He updates the ticket in ball point pen. “The suit will be ready for pick up on the 25^th, he says adding “We’ve sold quite a few of the Quads. I think you will be happy with the flexibility it gives you.” Jimmy stepped out into the bright sunlight in the Dadeland parking lot and paused for a moment to recall where he’d left his Ford Fiesta in the parking lot which was not full an hour and a half ago. The sun shines with its usual intensity for an August day “WELCOME TO MIAMI, THE SQUINTING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD” he says to himself. (That billboard for Sunglass Hut always makes Jimmy smile because it rings so true for a kid from Cleveland.)  

On the 25^th Jimmy and the Fiesta managed to find the exact same parking spot at Dadeland when he arrives in time to pick up his Quad. He is wearing new shoes and a button-down pin-point oxford shirt (shirt-tails out and Bermuda shorts). The spot isn’t far from the place where the Columbian drug war shootout took place and yet a location never visited by cops Crockett and Tubbs (Miami Vice) or Tony Montana (Scareface). The asphalt and concrete of the mall lot is far too ordinary for most producers. After all, this is a town where site options include the visually intriguing deco architecture, sandy beaches, palm trees, downtown skylines and shiny neon retail signage. Jimmy has lived in South Florida long enough to appreciate the sublime and the ridiculous so artfully presented by writers like Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry. Now he was wondering about the wisdom of the Quad suit.  

Jimmy didn’t expect to see his salesman again but he recognized him, even though he was not dressed for work and not at all in a pleasant mood. By the look on his face he was going to start a fight with someone. Though they exchanged glances, Dave didn’t recognize his customer and seemed preoccupied with a letter he was holding. “This is bullshit,” Dave was saying again and again to no-one in particular. Once Jimmy got his merchandise, he was quick to move to the exit and not at all curious about Dave’s grievance.

Monday morning came and Jimmy was dressed in the Quad and enjoying a bagel with cream cheese and a cup of coffee at The Brickell Emporium. (Jimmy chose the solid color slacks and blander vest option). His interview at the advertising firm Hume Smith Mickelberry just a couple of blocks away wasn’t scheduled for another 30 minutes (at 9:30 a.m.). Over the sound system, The Bee Gees could be heard behind the mild clanking of silverware as a waiter cleared tables. When the feelings gone and you can't go on - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you you’re goin nowhere – Tragedy. When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin nowhere…

Jimmy was feeling a little sick, nauseous, now.  He managed to make his appointment on time. The receptionist was polite enough but Jimmy was not thrilled to find himself in the lobby waiting along with Salesman Dave. Thankfully Dave wasn’t wearing a Quad suit but he was smartly dressed and sporting a matching tie and pocket square.  Two guys in the lobby at Hume Smith Mickelberry waiting for an interview. No telling for sure but maybe for the same job. The Bee Gees were playing in his head: When you lose control and you got no soul - its tragedy. When the morning cries and you don't know why - its hard to bear. With no-one to love you - you’re goin' nowhere…

Notes: All in the Family ran on TV until 1979. Bee Gees "Tragedy" was a hit after Saturday Night Fever album pushed them into the stratosphere. Sunglass Hut started in 1971 but "Squinting Capital of the World" billboard probably didn't appear until 1990s. Scareface movie released in 1983 and Miami Vice debuted on TV in 1984. Hume Smith Mickelberry didn't survive much past 1985 (guessing).

Elephant Jokes

Elephant Jokes

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants?
A: "Look, there's a herd of elephants."

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Well, you take an elephants, some chocolate ice-cream and some bananas,.....

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a VW?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

 Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. ?

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: to stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: to stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Vernon's Secret

Elvis died on August 16, 1977 in the bathroom at Graceland. After being found on the bathroom floor, Elvis was rushed to the hospital where he was officially pronounced dead. The coroner recorded the cause of death as cardiac arrhythmia. While true in the strictest sense (cardiac arrhythmia basically means that the heart was beating irregularly and in this case, finally stopped), the attending physicians deliberately omitted the fact that what had apparently caused Elvis' heart to beat irregularly and then stop was an overdose of prescription drugs. These drugs included codeine, Valium, morphine, and Demorol, to name a few. After this information was revealed, Vernon Presley, Elvis' father, had the complete autopsy report sealed. It will remain sealed until 2027, fifty years after The King's death.

The official autopsy of Elvis Presley found eight different prescription drugs in his body with no trace of any illegal drugs such as heroin, cocaine, or hashish often found in overdose cases. Thomas Noguchi, a Los Angeles coroner, believes that Elvis’s death was accidental—he simply did not realize the effect of drugs combined in the body. 

DEFINITIONS additive effect The sum or cumulative effects of two or more pharmaceutical substances mixed together. synergistic effect Any hyper-additive effect produced by a combination of two or more drugs, which may double or triple the effect of another. 

According to Noguchi, Elvis died with the following drugs in his system: 

ƒ antihistamine (prescription) 

ƒ codeine (prescription for pain) 

ƒ Demerol (prescription narcotic used as a sedative) 

ƒ tranquilizers (prescription including Valium) 

ƒ a sedative-hypnotic prescription for insomnia Not one prescription drug was at a toxic level.

Inside Engagement

Employee Communication - Marketing starts at home.

Many of us who profess to be marketing experts have invested a good portion of our careers in understanding and leveraging quality communication between companies and their customers and customer prospects. Put aside for the moment that companies are not individuals and customers are not a mass market. Consider the impact of a motivated, inspired and nurtured team focused on delivering value.

Let me tell you about three (3) companies for whom I have had the pleasure of working. Maybe these examples are anecdotal (and anonymous), but I can assure you that in each case the employees had a huge impact on the positioning/branding/profitability of these enterprises. In each case, the time, energy and investment in internal communication continues to pay significant dividends.

A large advertising agency – Agencies can be disjointed places because the people in them tend to focus on client business. Take, for example, an agency with a roster of consumer packaged goods brands. The account managers in that agency lead meetings once a month to share highlights of challenges associated with their respective clients. The sessions allow managers to learn from real-time case studies of everything from managing a product tampering crisis to responding to competitive price pressure. A key learning: The value of unique insight and strategy. Share stories in an open and honest way and everybody gets better. 

A national architecture/engineering/construction firm – Inside of the a privately held designer and builder of healthcare structures, its 500+ employees benefit from a regular employee publication mailed to homes and posted on company bulletin boards. The newsletter helps mitigate the all too common phenomenon: When communication with employees is poor, the underground fills the void (often with misinformation). I know what you are thinking: a printed piece in the mail! You bet, the tactic is so old it’s new. This communication also allows employees to share with spouses and family in the comfort of their own home.

A hard goods manufacturer – A firm has growth through acquisition. As a consequence, they have multiple sales and manufacturing centers. To improve morale and organizational transparency the CEO invites employees to regular “town hall” meetings, smaller quarterly “lottery lunches,” and encourages everyone to use an anonymous hotline to make suggestions.  Hearing concerns and questions from a cross-section of workers in functions ranging from customer service to sales and making sincere efforts to be responsive goes a long way to build employee trust and empowerment.   

Employee engagement begins with communication. Marketing from the inside out!