Drake Shares

 

Perry Drake was so very gracious in sharing his grief over the loss of his incredible wife Rhonda, This blog captures the essence of two social media communications from Perry.

They say it will get easier as time goes on. I certainly hope so. Losing a parent/sibling is tough but losing a spouse/life partner is just different. It is like losing a part of yourself. You feel at a loss in so many ways. Rhonda was such a huge part of who I am and became. She was my compass. She instilled in me so many great values. We were a team for 35+ years. She was the first person I saw in the morning when we woke up (okay, on occasion it might have been Taco or Peanut) and the last person I saw before we went to sleep.

I am not looking forward to Monday's service. I am so nervous and scared. I am afraid the pain will be unbearable facing the reality of it all. Could it be worse than than the past three weeks? But one thing is for certain, I am surrounded by so many great friends, family and colleagues. I remember one thing the Pastor told me this past Monday when meeting with him to chat about the upcoming service ....he said, "Just know that everyone at the service will be rooting for you Perry, they are all on your side. So do not worry." That provided such comfort.

The picture is Rhonda at her birthday dinner on October 13, 2017. I forgot the name of the restaurant. She picked. Isn't she beautiful? And, this was just one year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Over these 5 years, she endured many operations, scans, brain radiation, emergency room visits, and weekly Chemo from that point onward until she passed away just two weeks ago. She was a fighter. Never giving up. Not even till the end. I am proud of her. Till Monday, this will be my last post. Love to you all.

 

On Sunday June 13th at 5:33 pm Rhonda Drake, my wife of 35+ years, passed away. She could no longer fight off the effects of her stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and all those chemo drugs. This all occurred while on vacation in Destin, Florida. What was supposed to be a two-week escape for Rhonda from cancer ended up being anything but. Her kidneys failed day two here in Destin and she never fully recovered. We had to put her under, use the support of a breathing tube and connect her with dialysis for three days. It was a nightmare that lasted a total of 9 days.

On Saturday the 12th she was somewhat energetic and looked good. She asked to sit in the guest chair (below), was a bit more talkative than usual and ate some apple sauce and ice cream that I fed her. It was a hopeful sign that we would be able to get her stable enough to transport her back to St. Louis. Little did I realize this is what some call a “medical rally” that occurs right before death…the brain signaling the body to go, go, go one last time.

I snapped this picture of her, I told her she looked like a female version of Mahatma Gandhi. She smiled. I will miss her fiercely. She was my rock, my compass, and is the whole reason I am who I am today. Like a caterpillar transforms to a butterfly, Rhonda too has risen to the heavens. Please scroll through her wall to see the love she had for her butterfly garden, nature, her little dogs Taco and Peanut, and God.

Grandma's Cherry Pie

 

Grandma’s Cherry Pie

Hey Grandma, I made a cherry pie last night

Mixed it up with memories tugging at my side

Used your crock, cracked with time

Saw a family running fast

Felt a world of love and pride

The sifter still works fine

And the rolling pin, she still rolls

And I wondered just how many hearts and how many tears

Did this piece of rolled wood so quietly mend

As we fought the wars in search of peace

Through these many happy years

The plate was worn from your crusts before mine

But it still holds cherries, love and so much more

And I thought, as I held my own family close and tight

I will savor this pie and all it means

With every loving moving bite

Yea, I made a cherry pie last night…

 

Ronald J. Unterreiner

What to Say - RIP

 

Stages of Grief and What to Say

We all have family and/or friends who have experienced the loss of a loved one. More often than not we are speechless. We offer condolences. We say that they will be in our thoughts and prayers. Sometimes we even attempt to console them with evidence that we have comparable pain and suffering. Sadly, it is generally irrelevant and not at all helpful. This is a difficult time to express in words your love and support in this time of sadness and loss. 

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, [1926–2004] a Swiss-born psychiatrist, humanitarian, and co-founder of the hospice movement around the world described the five stages of grief in her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying. Is there is anything one can say that matches well with the stages model she outlined when it comes to post mortem for survivors? Denial and Isolation – Is it appropriate to allow someone time to process their feelings? Is this a time to extend ourselves in the spirit of friendship and support? Anger – At this stage: Should we try to mitigate the feelings? Is it better to allow an individual to blow off steam? Bargaining – Is this an appropriate time to suggest prayer and/or spiritual intervention? Are their goals/challenges that can give a person motivation for living in spite of their loss? Depression – How can we encourage a kind of Mindfulness in the face of such devastation? Acceptance – We cannot possibly know how someone feels about accepting the inevitable.

A few thoughts and phrases you might want to avoid because they risk either minimizing unique feelings of grief or actually making matters worse: I know how you feel (We all experience and process grief differently.) What a terrible loss. (Avoid dwelling on the pain or difficulty of the loss.) This happened for a reason. (Even with the best intentions behind it, this notion risks assigning blame for the death.)  It is probably best to steer clear of predictions about how their grief journey will go. Be present and supportive instead.

More recently, a friend suggested that the best thing to say to loved ones upon hearing of a loss (at least initially) is "There are no words." Because, so often that is the case. The follow up is rooted in the reality of a longer term. "May the memories (of the departed) be a blessing."

Death, Be Not Proud by John Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die